Fighting Fair: Rules Of Arguing

Fighting Fair: Rules of Arguing

Conflict arises in relationships when people disagree about opinions, perceptions and ideas. Strong feelings emerge when someone feels they are being misunderstood or taken for granted. Arguing, if done correctly, often is viewed as an effective communication tool for a couple to air their grievances, resulting in a closer bond.

People often feel vulnerable when they are hurt and may turn to anger as a way of claiming power when they feel attacked. Anger is a normal and healthy human emotion, just like happiness, sadness and joy. Many people, however, do not know how to fight in a productive way. It is important to learn the tools for effective conflict resolution in relationships.

Rules for Fair Fighting

• Remain calm – You are more likely to elicit a positive response from your partner if you do not raise your voice or lose your temper.
• Keep it private – There is no need to broadcast your argument in public, or in front of family and friends. Only you and your partner know what is really going on between the two of you.
• Have a goal when entering the argument – What do you want to achieve? What solutions will be acceptable to you?
• Avoid accusations - Stick to your perspective and how your partner's actions made you feel. Your partner will be less defensive with this approach.
• Do not generalize – Avoid always and never in describing your partner's actions. This inflammatory statement can lead to frustration and anger.
• Keep it relevant – Stick to the issue you are arguing about. Do not bring past issues into the discussion until the present argument is resolved.
• Avoid character assassination – Do not resort to name-calling or threatening to leave the relationship. Be respectful of one another.
• Avoid clamming up – Ignoring someone can result in more anger and frustration. Two-way communication is necessary to achieve positive results.
• Take a break – If you feel emotions starting to rise, take a time out to clear your head. Take a walk or cool off in another room. Be sure to get back to the argument when the timing is right to properly conclude the issue.
• Take turns – State your point of view and actively listen to your partner's response. It should not be a one-sided lecture.
• Try and see your partner's perspective – Even if you disagree, make it a point to put yourself in their shoes. Realize their perception is real to them even if you do not understand it. Accept and validate each other's feelings.
• End the argument well – Apologize if you are in the wrong and accept your partner's apology. The issue will come up again if it is not resolved. Resentment can arise if a resolution is not reached.
• Do not let anger build - This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Deal with issues as they come.
• Do not fight in front of the children - This can emotionally scar a child and form their adult fighting patterns. If there are kids involved, make sure they see you make up. They should know it is okay for their parents to fight as long as they reach a resolution.
• Compromise – You are not arguing to win because it means your partner will lose. You do not want either of you to win or lose. You want to maintain balance and harmony with each other by reaching a solution peacefully and compromising.
• Forgive and accept each other – Remember you are two distinct individuals with two different thoughts and opinions. It is okay to disagree as long as you both respect each other and work as a team.

Resolution and closure in arguments can be attained through discussion and compromise. Arguing is inevitable in a relationship; fighting is okay as long as it is constructive and leads to resolution. Fighting fair and practicing effective communication can be a tremendous growth opportunity for you and your partner, and can increase the intimacy in your relationship.