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Avoiding And Overcoming Verbal Abuse

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Published: August 17, 2006

Verbal abuse is a widespread form of mistreatment present in many relationships. It is characterized by dominance and control.

People often assume physical abuse is the only real form of violence, but what many do not realize is that verbal abuse often precedes physical violence. Many say the impacts of verbal abuse are far more debilitating than physical abuse. Bruises fade, but the manipulation, mind control and breakdown of self-esteem and self-worth involved with verbal abuse is not easily forgotten.

Verbal abuse is difficult to define. Victims may not even realize what is going on, just as perpetrators may not be aware what they are doing. Verbal abuse involves unreasonable demands, manipulation, angry outbursts and the withholding of emotional responses. It is often humiliating and insulting, and generally leads the victim to believe their perception of reality is wrong and their feelings are unimportant.

Victims of verbal abuse often attempt to explain and defend themselves, only to be told by their significant others they are crazy, bringing the abuse on themselves. They begin to doubt their own perceptions and start feeling as if they are doing something wrong. They believe relationship problems must be their fault. This is the ultimate form of manipulation.

Perpetrators often employ tactics to break down the self-esteem of their partner. They often lack the ability to accept their partner's feelings and opinions. They view any thoughts outside of their own as opposition. This is a vicious form of control.

TACTICS EMPLOYED

Judging and Criticizing – making repeated negative comments about your partner's appearance or actions.

Minimizing – dismissing your partner's words and actions as non-existent or making something important to your partner seem trivial and insignificant.

Withholding – withholding emotions in a relationship. By refusing to validate your partner's feelings, you leave them feeling isolated and alone.

Countering – correcting everything your partner says and does.

Name-calling – repeatedly calling your partner stupid, fat or lazy can have detrimental effects on their self-esteem.

Threatening – threatening to leave the relationship or threatening physical violence is a form of control.

Denial – denying your partner's reality of different situations, including the verbal abuse itself.

Verbal abuse is about mind control and manipulation. It attacks the victim's spirit and creates self-doubt. It is important for victims to recognize this form of abuse has nothing to do with their actions. It is something being inflicted upon them by someone else.

If you feel you are being verbally abused, it is necessary to listen to your feelings and trust your instincts. Perpetrators can change if they really want to through hard work and counseling, but you cannot change them. All you can do is take care of yourself and demand respect from your partner. Everyone deserves to be in a supportive, nurturing relationship free from physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
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